10 Secrets of a Therapist

As a therapist, I see a wide variety of clients with an array of concerns.  One thing they all have in common is that is some way, they are all seeking my acceptance as their therapist.  Here's a secret: all of my clients have my acceptance before they walk in the door or make that initial phone call.  I became a therapist because it is a calling that allows me to use the strengths I was given to help others.  We all have weaknesses, and I believe, that at certain points in our lives, we all could benefit from the therapeutic relationship.  Below are 10 secrets from me as a therapist. Hopefully this will put you at ease about seeking support if you need it, because at the end of the day, we are all people with strengths and weaknesses.

1. Trust is everything.
The most important part of therapy being worthwhile is finding a therapist you connect with. I always tell my clients that if they don't feel a connection with me after a session or two, that I will work with them to find someone who is a better fit.  Therapy is not going to be productive if you don't feel like you can be open with your thoughts and feelings and our job is to make you feel comfortable.

2. I don’t think you’re crazy.
I have a lot of clients ask me outright if I think they are crazy.  I do chuckle a bit inside, because on a certain level, aren't we all crazy in our own way?  In all seriousness, I am a therapist to help people reach their goals and get to a better place in their lives, and if I thought my clients were crazy, it wouldn't do much for the therapeutic relationship.  I think we all have struggles in our lives, and the symptoms of those struggles make us feel unstable, but I have never thought to myself "This client is off their rocker!"  I am much more likely to think something along the lines of "This client is so strong to have dealt with this on their own for so long." 


3. My job is not to psychoanalyze you. 
I do assessments with clients as part of establishing a baseline of behavior and thought patterns.  Unfortunately, I have to assign a diagnosis for almost all clients in order to be covered/ reimbursed by health insurance.  The diagnosis is simply a way for a therapist to give a description of overall symptoms, and the diagnosis is really not the most important to me.  What I want to help with is all of the underlying symptoms that are wreaking havoc in your life such as nightmares, intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms, and  issues that may be decreasing the quality of relationships in your life.  I am less concerned with a label and more concerned with helping you get rid of the "yuck".

4. I’m not here to tell you how to live or what to do.
My job is to be curious and to help you gain more understanding about your thoughts and behaviors. A good therapist doesn’t claim to have all the answers for why you are the way you are although we may have some ideas that we will willingly share with you. I will help you become more objective in looking at your actions and working with you on ways to address the problem areas of your lives.

5. The worst part of my job is seeing clients quit before they are better.
Therapy is the perfect place to learn how to express your feelings. That’s what I’m here for, to give you a space to try out new ways of being, thinking, and feeling. Take advantage of this. When we learn how to work through our negative emotions with others, it increases our relationship skills and makes us more comfortable with voicing our hurts. This is a necessary component to maintaining relationships and managing your emotions in a healthy way.   If you quit because it's difficult or unpleasant, it is really discouraging, as I know you will continue to struggle until you find the strength to push through to a better place in your life.  I'm here to help you, so please don't quit.  Hang in there and talk to me if you are feeling tired or ready to quit so I can help you find a way to take a break without giving up.

6. I expect you to slide backward here and there.
Most people judge themselves enough for at least two people. I try to build a good relationship so that clients can be completely honest with me about their progress or lack thereof. It’s only through acknowledging our steps backward that we can figure out how to fix it so that you can move forward. Relapse is very common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  In fact, when someone is honest with me about a relapse, I see it as a sign of progress that you can take responsibility.

7. You deserve to be happy.
Everyone has a past, and things they regret, but you deserve to be happy.   If you don't feel like you deserve happiness, you and I can work on this together.  It is very common for clients to come in feeling like they don't deserve to be happy, either because of choices they've made, or because of how they have been treated by others.  This is one of the symptoms of past trauma and hurt, and my job is to help you recognize that you deserve positive things.

8. I can’t “fix” your life, your problems, or your children.
I can help you gain more clarity, understanding, and form a plan of action, but therapy is not a magic pill. I have a lot of parents who are struggling with their children or teenagers and think that by bringing them in for a weekly appointment with me will fix all problems.  The real answer is working with a child or teen, and partnering with parents to make changes at home as well.  Most behavior issues don't just pop up- they are a symptom of something deeper.  Many times, I need to work with parents a bit because a lot of what is causing the issues is a miscommunication or lack of communication in family relationships.  However the issues arose, I am here to help you get things back in working order, but you are the key player.

9. This job is difficult for me at times.
As a trauma-focused therapist, I hear about very disturbing experiences that clients have suffered
.  There are days I become really discouraged that we as humans can cause such pain to one another.  However, these days don't happen as often as one would suspect and I have learned ways of protecting myself while still being able to help my clients.  Most of the time, I am amazed at the resilience of my clients in light of everything they have gone through.  Just as I work with clients on being able to find balance in their lives, I have to make sure I find balance in my life and find lots of time to do the things that make me feel restored, including spending time with my family and keeping my faith strong.

10.  I also have weaknesses.
There are things I struggle with, just like everyone else.  I'd like to think I am well balanced, and I follow my own advice all of the time, but I have weak moments too.  In the interest of being fully honest, I was recently put on modified bed rest during my second pregnancy.  Exercise is my biggest way to relieve stress- I work out and walk my dogs everyday.  I can't do those things, or much of anything for awhile until I get closer to my due date.  While I know logically that I need to rest for this baby, I spent about 5 days with major mood swings from being angry to weepy because I didn't know how to handle such a sudden change in my daily habits and being left without my main way of coping.  I have days where I don't communicate well with my husband, or I am short-tempered with my daughter.  When these things happen, my first instinct is to berate myself because as a therapist, I should be able to have self-control and practice what I preach.  Then I remember that I am human, and just because I am a therapist doesn't mean I have it all figured out all the time.  It allows me to be able to continue to work on my own personal growth, which is something we should never stop doing.