Christmas Bucket List

So many fun things to do this time of year!  I'm a list person, so creating this bucket list helped me organize and plan my thoughts so I can squeeze everything in!  I'd love to see your Christmas "musts", so please share your below!

Helping Your Child Cope With the Loss of a Pet

Losing a family pet is a very difficult time.  What makes it even more challenging is deciding how to explain it to your children.  Inevitably, they will ask a lot of questions trying to understand the concept of death.  There are age appropriate ways to help your child understand that death is a natural occurrence in life, and to teach them how top cope with grief and loss as an inevitable part of life.   We have a lot of pets in our extended family, and have sadly had several losses in the past year.  Even though I am a professional at helping other children with grief and loss, I wanted to revisit some information on how to help my children deal with this now and in the future.  Here are a few tips to help navigate through such a challenging time.

• One of the most difficult parts about losing a pet may be breaking the bad news to kids. Try to do so one-on-one in a place where they feel safe and comfortable.
• An extremely important factor to remember: As you would with any tough issue, try to gauge how much information kids need to hear based on their age, maturity level, and life experience.
• If your pet is very old or has a lingering illness, consider talking to kids before the death occurs and reassuring them that the veterinarians have done everything that they can.  If you have to make the difficult decision to euthanize your pet, it helps to assure your child/ren that your pet would never get better, this is the kindest way to take the pet's pain away, the pet will die peacefully, without feeling hurt or scared.
• If you do have to euthanize your pet, be careful about saying the animal went "to sleep" or "got put to sleep." Young kids tend to interpret events literally, so this can conjure up scary misconceptions about sleep or surgery and anesthesia.
• Use age appropriate language with your child.
• Be honest- don't tell the child your pet ran away. Use this as a teaching moment to start to prepare your child for death as a part of life. 
• Let your child's questions guide your discussion on how much they are understanding or are able to handle.
• Draw on your faith to answer questions about what happens to a pet after they leave us.  
• Understand that your child may feel a variety of emotions-from emptiness and sadness to guilt and anger at friends whose pets are still alive. Your children may worry that the animal's death is their fault, and may wonder what happens to animals after they die. Some kids may even worry that other children and classmates will ridicule them for loving their pet so much.  Take time to listen and allow your child to verbally express his or her feelings.
• Keep other caregivers in the loop- teachers, grandparents, babysitters, etc. need to understand why your child may be extra sensitive or irritable.  You will also want to let caregivers know how you have shared this with your child so they can use the same language and explanations.
• Encourage your child to draw a picture of their pet, or write a letter to their pet.

• Plan a memorial service for your child and invite friends and family who knew your pet to share their favorite memory of your pet.
• Plan a tree or flowers in your pet's honor.
• Allow your child to keep something that your pet loves- a collar, tag, or favorite toy.
• Encourage your child to engage in normal activities as much as possible- going to the park, bike ride, art, playing with friends.
• Be open about your feelings of loss with your child.  It may help them to know they aren't the only one who is sad.
• Gather photos to make a photo album in memory of your pet.
• Utilize resources, such as the books below.
• You and your child can gather up photographs of your pet to make into a photo album.

Special Considerations by Age:

2-3 Year Olds

• Typically do not understand death and consider it a form of sleep
• They will need to be told their pet will not return
• Reassure them that it is unrelated to anything the child has said or done
• Be careful of using terms such as "put to sleep", as children take this literally and may think their pet will return from sleep, or may even form a negative connection with sleep

4-6 Year Olds

• Children in this age range understand death related to continued existence, such as living underground, or even permanently sleeping
• There may be a belief that any anger or negative treatment of the pet on their part caused the death- refute this and reassure them that dying is something that happens to pets and no one is at fault
• Children may begin to fear death, or see it as contagious
• Grief manifestations often occur in the form of changes in bladder and bowel control, sleeping issues, and changes in appetite

7-9 Year  Olds

• Children this age start to understand the irreversibility of death 
• They may become concerned about the death of parents, siblings
• Curiosity is common and parents should respond honestly
• Behavior issues, school and learning issues, aggression, withdrawal, and antisocial behavior are all grief reactions that may occur weeks or even months later.  If you have ongoing concerns about this, consult a therapist.

10-11 Year Olds

• Children this age usually understand death as natural, inevitable. Their reactions are similar to adults, although depending on past experiences with death, grief and loss symptoms should be monitored.
• Continue to encourage them to express emotions either verbally, or through art and music

Adolescents

• Teens to react similarly to adults.  One thing to note is that denial may come into play and your child will not show a lack of emotional display.  If your child has not appeared affected, continue to monitor and share your feelings, allowing them to do the same when they are ready.

Recommended Resources for Children (https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss/helping-your-child-when-the-family-pet-dies)

Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children, Linda Goldman;
Accelerated Development; Taylor & Francis Group, (800) 821-8312; 1994

Because of Flowers and Dancers, Sandra S. Brackenridge; Veterinary Practice Publishing Co.; 1994.

Dog Heaven, Cat Heaven, Cynthia Rylant; The Blue Press; Scholastic, Inc.,

Desser the Best Ever Cat, Maggie Smith; Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.; 2001

Goodbye Mousie, Robie H. Harris; Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing,

Grunt, Suzanne Schlossberg, Tamberrino, Centering Corporation; 2001

Jasper's Day, Marjorie Blain Parker; Kids Can Press Ltd.; 2002

Saying Goodbye to Lulu, Corinne Demas; Little, Brown and Company; 2004

Websites:

Kids Health

Rainbows Bridge

ASPCA Pet Loss

Colorado Fall Bucket List

It's been a long time since I've written a post.  I haven't had a lot of time between my kids, my clients, and teaching classes.  As much as I love summer, I gave in and did a fall bucket list to help get me in the spirit of fall.  I have to find things to get excited about, as I really morn the end of summer.  Hopefully this will get you inspired and excited about fall.  Hopefully, I will have more informational posts about mental and emotional health coming soon!

52 Colorado Places to Visit With Kids

I haven't posted in awhile because I have been getting into the groove of having two kids now.  I'm starting to get back in the swing, and summer is my favorite season to enjoy. Colorado has so many great activities to offer all year for whatever your interest may be. I started my own counseling practice so that I could enjoy as much time off as possible, while also having a flexible schedule to enjoy our awesome state and all it has to offer.   As a Colorado native, I would like to think I am an expert, but the truth is our state is pretty darn big and there is a lot to do!  Now having two small children, my focus is on places we can enjoy as a family.  I put this list together as a bit of a follow up on our Colorado Summer Bucket List.  This isn't a super organized list, but it has a lot of ideas in the Denver area, as well as a few places to see on a weekend or road trip. I am always looking for new places, so if you have any recommendations, please comment below and I will add them to my list of places to see.

10 Ways to Keep Your Kids Engaged Over School Breaks

As summer approaches, many parents start feeling anxious about how to keep their kids busy and engaged all summer.  Whether you are able to be at home with your kids, have a babysitter, or send them to child care, here are some ideas to help keep your child's brain working and their little bodies busy in a fun way.  Added bonus? Most of these ideas are FREE!


1) Library reading programs- most local libraries have reading programs for summer break and various times throughout the year.  They often offer cool prizes for kids who complete so many books or hours of reading.  Check out your local library to see what they offer.

2) Have a "talented mom/ parent" co-op- you have lots of resources in other parents who live nearby.  Get together for a play date and brainstorm about the different strengths you all have.  Perhaps one of you is crafty- she can offer a craft day for the kids.  Another mom is into fitness?  She can have an afternoon boot camp for the kids.  Have a dad in the neighborhood who is handy?  He can have the kids help with building a go-kart, tree house,  or some type of smaller project.  Get creative and work together to create a fun and engaging break for your kids, while giving each other a couple hours off.

3) Have your kids make a bucket list for break- depending on the time of the year, your kids can make a list of things they would like to do while on break.  This is great to help put them to work brainstorming, but can also bring your family together for some great bonding time. (For ideas, see my previous post- Colorado Summer Bucket List.)

3 1/2) After they've made their list, have a contest to see who can check off the most by the time school starts- even if your kids add some "creative" ideas to their list, it will be fun for them to have a competition to see who has the most items checked off at the end of break.  The trick here is to prevent "cheating" by not to tell them about this idea until after they have made their lists.

4) Give your kids an old digital camera, disposable camera, or disconnected cell phone with camera feature to make their own photo album- Kids love taking pictures and it is a great way to document their break.  They can have full reign and then you can help them get the pictures printed and put into a photo book, or better yet- make a digital photo book online! Make sure you don't give them your best camera, as you can imagine how that might turn out.

5) Let them choose classes to take- breaks are a great time to help your kids discover new talents and hobbies.  Most local recreation centers, and even some schools, offer classes of all sorts for reasonable rates.  Drawing, dancing, sports, and even science camps could be fun.  It is important to give your kids some input on what they have interest in, rather than just signing them up for a bunch of classes to keep them busy.  (One exception: swim lessons might be a good choice during this time, as it will relieve you of having another "to-do" during school time.)

6) Make a routine- break time does not have to be a free-for-all.  Keeping some routines in place allows structure.  Pick one or two non-negotiables that you want to keep in place, for example, rooms must be picked up every day and everyone is assigned a daily chore to complete.

7) Have them pick a special project- Breaks are a good time to catch up on things that have been put aside.  Make a list of things you would like to see done around the house and have them pick one each week, or a few to complete over the break.  These could include things like going through their clothing and bagging up what no longer fits, organizing a play room, cleaning out the junk drawer, or sweeping the garage.  These could be family projects, or you may want to assign smaller steps as part of their daily chores.

8) Volunteer for something- Breaks are a great time to volunteer as a family.   Visit a local nursing home, collect toys for kids who are sick, clean up a local park.  Volunteering is a chance for you to bond as a family, build self-confidence, and make a difference for others.


9) Start a "business"- Allow your kids to be creative based on their strengths.  Once they have come up with an idea for a business, help them figure out the logistics of how to make it work.  Remember, this is fostering creativity, so it doesn't have to be a perfect business plan.  There are lots of possibilities but a few ideas could be: lemonade stands, car washes, lawn service, babysitting, bake sale, dog walking/ yard clean up, making stationary, or even putting on a play.  For younger kids who want to participate, they could help with pulling weeds, sorting items, making drawings, etc.

10) Find their inner artist or scientist- There are tons of ideas online for science projects and art projects.  Select a few ideas for them to choose from, or have them go on Pinterest and find a project they want to do, with your approval, of course.  With a bit of guidance and prep, allow them to figure it out and then replicate it to "teach" parents or siblings.

Colorado Summer Bucket List

Relaxing with a sick child, I have some spare time to think about all of the things I want to do when everyone is healthy, the baby is born, and I am off of any restrictions.  I came across a few "Summer Bucket Lists" on Pinterest and used those as inspiration to make my own. wI should also give some credit to my friend, Ale, who was working on her own list and got me thinking about this topic in the first place :)We usually take a trip to Michigan to visit extended family.  I used a few ideas of things we like to do in Michigan, and added those in with all of the cool things there are to do in Colorado.  Most of the items are kid-based, but there are a few that my husband and I can check off on a date night here and there.  I'm sure if I spent a lot more time thinking, I could add lots of other ideas unique to Colorado, but I was very happy coming up with a list of 101 things to do.  I'd say having a toddler and newborn, 101 is a very ambitious goal.  Hope this gives you some inspiration for your own list to make this summer a fun time to spend with family and friends!

 

Get Out of Your Own Way

How do you ensure that you will reach your goal? Give yourself consequences for slacking! Whether your goal is to stay on a budget, put money in savings, lose weight, or get in better shape, here are a few ideas to help you reach your goal.

Some quick tips for creating consequences:

1) Choose something that is specifically unpleasant to you.  Think along the lines of annoying
rather than harsh or physically painful. Some ideas:
- No morning cup of coffee if you don't get up and workout
- You don't complete your goal for the day, no guilty pleasure (bubble bath, evening glass of wine, favorite TV show)
- No money left in your budget because you went over, no happy hours with the girls

2) Ask for accountability.  Tell a couple of close family members or friends about your goal and ask them to hold you accountable.  For example:
- Your goal is to eat healthier, your consequence can be to pick up the tab for a friend if you don't make a healthy choice when eating dinner out.
- Your goal is to make better financial choices, you can ask a friend to go to the grocery store with you to ensure you stick to the list or the budget.

3) Get it over with.  The longer you put something off, the larger the task becomes.  A trick I often use with cleaning or organizing that needs to be done is to set a timer for 10 minutes and get as much done in that time frame as you can.  Usually, 10 minutes is enough to complete the task, and if not, it's enough time to create motivation and get that piled cleared off the counter.  If you really find yourself slacking, don't allow yourself to move forward until it's done.  (No more shopping period if you don't set a budget, no going to bed until the kitchen is clean, etc.)

4) Create an if/ then list. This sounds incredibly boring, and can be very boring, but it will help you play out the long term consequences of not meeting your goals.  You set them for a reason right?  Example:
If                                                                Then                                                             

-I don't stick to my budget                     - I won't be able to afford the beach vacation.
-I don't workout today                           -I will be one day further away from doing 25 pushups
-I don't work on that paper for class   -I will have to pull an all-nighter tomorrow and miss the party
-I eat this whole pint of ice cream      -I may not fit into the bridesmaid's dress I am overpaying for

Bonus:
5) Don't underestimate the power of rewards.  This doesn't exactly fall under the consequence category, but I use this all the time with my child and teen clients.  There is no reason it won't work.  If you promise yourself a new outfit for getting to the gym four times a week for a month, you have something to look forward to.  If you need to, create a reward chart with a clear goal and clear reward set at the beginning.  Give yourself a minimum goal (i.e. I will make 80 percent of my meals at home for 1 month) and give yourself a star every time you do that.   Make sure you write your reward on the chart as well (I will earn a pair of tickets to that concert).  You can choose if you want to add the opposite consequence if your goal is not met- no 80%, no concert.


Happy Goal Reaching!

Behavior Charts for Kids

In an earlier post, I shared a blank example of the Bronco reward chart for kids.  Since I have quite a few of my counseling clients requesting ideas and examples for behavior/ reward charts, I decided I would post some examples of the charts I have used with my daughter Jade, age 2 1/2.   For us, 2-3 weeks of the charts are plenty to establish behavior expectations, and we are able stop using them.  (To be honest, she usually only needs a couple of days before she follows the expectations pretty easily.)  Not every child is going to respond this quickly, and you may have to use behavior charts ongoing for your child.  I have shared 3 examples here: One for daily behavior (Go Diego), one for nap time (Minnie Mouse), and one for bed time (Peppa Pig).  I recommend using only one chart at a time; these three are examples and were not used simultaneously.

Here are some guidelines on using behavior charts:

- Choose 2-4 behavior for your child to work on (I don't generally recommend this for kids younger than 2, and even at 2, they may need to have only 1 target goal.)
-Make your expectations clear and specific, rather than saying "Jennifer will behave all day," break it down into something more realistic such as "Jennifer will decrease talking back to less than 2 times per day."
- If you are having issues throughout the day, use one chart and identify 2-4 main behaviors you want to address (1 target behavior during the day, 1 at nap time or after school, 1 at bedtime).
- Discuss the expectations and the reward with your child beforehand and write it on the chart.
-Post the chart on the fridge or bathroom mirror- somewhere it is easy to see and access.
- Older children should work up to earning bigger rewards for an overall weekly goal; younger children need frequent reinforcement, so they should receive a reward per sticker or at least daily.
- Review progress regularly and give your child lots of praise for the positives.
-Update goals weekly, once a child has reached a goal for 2 weeks in a row, they are ready for something new.
-  I usually recommend just using rewards when using charts, rather than imposing consequences for not earning stickers.  Too many factors makes this confusing.
- Come up with a list of acceptable rewards for your child.  It doesn't always have to be candy- use can use 1:1 time with an adult, choosing what to eat for dinner, video game time, free chore pass, etc.  Younger kids may need more tangible rewards, but the key is to find something that motivates your child.
- Keep it a simple as possible.

I use the character charts from freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com.  This website has a ton of different types of charts with favorite characters, sports teams, and themes to fit your child.  I usually download these and then use the "sign" option in Adobe.  This has an "add text" option, where I use text boxes to type in the goals.  If this seems to complicated, you can just print the pdf and hand write the goals.

Happy rewarding!

How to Be Happier Right Now

Now that I have some extra time, I was finally able to finish a book I've been working on called "Bright Side Up- 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now" by Amy Spencer.  This is a terrific book and I highly recommend it.  It's light reading, but instantly helps change your mood and puts things into perspective.  This book came into play when I was struggling with being put on restrictions for this pregnancy.  In my previous post, I mentioned that the first few days, I was a moody mess in trying to process what "modified bed rest" meant, and how to make my life work with these restrictions.  Just a few pages of this book, and everything was put into perspective and made me realize my problems were very minor and I needed to change my thought process.   This post is my take on my favorite tips from this book on how to make yourself a bit happier but just changing your perspective.  I hope it inspires you to think differently about circumstances you may be struggling with.

• Ask your one-hundred-year-old self. The basic idea behind this tip is to think of opportunities we are given with a brave and adventurous outlook.  Many times, we reach a fork in the road and panic about which is the better road.  Think of your grandparents, or any older person with wisdom- they are usually kind and gentle, but have made mistakes and learned from them and speak candidly about their own mistakes.  They are able to tell great stories about their mishaps in order to encourage other to be brave, strong, and to take chances.  Next time you are faced with a fork in the road, don't take the safe bet just because it's safe.  Think about yourself when you are one-hundred, and imagine if this is a decision you can claim you put effort into and didn't just take the easy road.  You will be a much more interesting to your grandchildren if you have some stories that don't always end in making the safe decision.

• Live 10 minutes in the life of "the ideal you." How many times have you thought about living your dreams, only to realize that actually reaching those dreams takes a lot of work? Most of us become settled into life, mostly content, but occasionally wishing we had pursued our dreams. I really like my life, but I do often wish I lived on or very near a beach.  I don't see myself uprooting my family to move away to beach somewhere, away from both of our extended families.  However, I can live the ideal me by planning vacations to beach destinations, spending 10 minutes each day decompressing by looking at beautiful beach pictures, or even using some coconut lotion or drinking a fruity drink.  While our "ideal" lives, may be just an idea at time, there is always something we can do to get a small piece of that on a daily basis. Do one small thing each day that your ideal self would do, and you will be more fulfilled and that much closer to living your dream.

• Rephrase to reframe.  I use this all the time with my counseling clients, especially my teen clients.  It is so easy to change our view of circumstances by changing our frame.  Just as an old photo with an old frame may look dated, our views of our lives and ourselves become dated.  What is needed is a new frame.  This can be done easily be rephrasing how we present our circumstances. My personal use of this tip?  Looking at being placed on modified bed rest in a different frame.  When the doctor first gave me my orders to "be a Couch Potato" for at least 7 weeks, all I could think of were the things I couldn't do.  Once I made up my mind to change the frame, I started viewing this time as something to be thankful for.  This is chance to rest and relax before the baby to spend some quality time with my 2 1/2-year-old daughter.  Sure, I may be making 1/2 a paycheck right now, but this time is priceless and I really needed to learn how to rest and this was in the plan for me.  Otherwise, I probably would have kept going 100 miles an hour until delivery and continued in the cycle of exhaustion.  By changing the frame, you have created a fresh start in life full of opportunity and possibility.  Update that old frame by rephrasing and see what opens up!

• Love the line.  I did not want to admit it, but this one really spoke to me.  I am not a patient person when it comes to traffic or waiting in line.  I hate wasting time, and both of those things were, in my opinion, the most inefficient use of time.  This tip suggests that since we can't change the line, we should change our thinking.  I have decided she is completely right!   How often do we wish we could sit in peace for five minutes without being disturbed?  I know most moms will raise their hands in a heartbeat!  Look at the ten minutes you have to spend in the line at the DMV at ten minutes you get to browse Facebook, or play a game on your phone, or just get to zone out and enjoy your cup of coffee.  Take those couple of minutes at a stoplight to enjoy a favorite song that brightens your day.  Spend the time in the waiting room at the dentist catching up on a favorite book or magazine.  Look at lines as a small gift, giving you permission to have a few minutes.  For me, I rediscovered a couple of games on my phone that I enjoy, but never have time to play.  I also try to keep a book in my car or purse for the rare occasion that I have a few minutes of downtime.  If you prepare yourself for the lines, you will start to look forward to them, or at least hate the waiting a little less.

When you read these ideas, you may think when you boil it down, they are all just new ways of seeing the glass half-full; the old reminder about positive thinking.  While these are takes on positive thinking, they change the perspective of it a bit, allowing us to have choices in the way we view our lives and handle our situations.  If you are feeling a bit "blah" with your life or circumstances, find a copy of Amy's book to get your brain going on way to change your pattern of thinking.  It will make a huge difference.  At the end of the day, life is 90 percent what we choose to make it, so why not start using some of these ideas to help you get in the habit?

How to Mentally Deal with an Illness or Injury

I decided to write this post after doing some personal research on my own situation.  I am now 31 weeks pregnant and was placed on bed rest at 27 weeks for preterm labor concerns.  This means no walking the dogs, no exercise, being as "lazy" as possible.  My doctor referred to it as "Couch Potato"
mode.  This may sound like a welcome command to some, but not to me.  All I could think of was that I wasn't going to be able to play outside with my daughter, walk my dogs, and I would be losing any strength I worked so hard to maintain during the pregnancy. (Not to mention I was put on leave from work, so financial concerns also came creeping in.  I need my workouts to help with stress!) Couch Potato is pretty much the opposite of how someone would describe me.  Even during my first pregnancy, I was pretty active, and able to water ski 3 weeks after delivery.  Nonetheless, I want to keep this baby cooking as long as possible, so I had to figure out a way to make it work.  (For anyone who is curious, it was not the exercise that caused the preterm labor concerns.  It is a combination of factors of how my body is set up in pregnancy, combined with work stress.)

I have always been active, but never a big sports player, so injuries are not something I have dealt with.  Working out has always been a priority and I haven't had to deal with the mental or physical side of recovering from an injury, which led me to do some research.  What I came up with are a few tips below that I can keep in mind during this short time when I am allowed to be a Couch Potato, so that when the time comes, I can safely and sanely work on getting back in shape (and then I will wish I could sit and watch hours of TV :)!

• Forget the all or nothing approach. The inability to exercise does not have to be an excuse to let everything go.  Sitting on the couch eating potato chips does not have to go hand in hand with an injury or illness.  Our bodies need proper nutrition, perhaps more so than when we are "healthy", so use the exercise break as a chance to focus on nutrition.  Filling up on whole grains, lean protein, fruit, veggies, and healthy fats will help you avoid weight gain while fueling your body to help repair itself.  Use that extra time to read up on new clean eating recipes and making meal plans.
• Do what you can. My doctor may have banned pretty much any form of cardio, but I can still sit on a fit ball and work my arms and legs with light weights or resistance bands (and inadvertently work my core while sitting on the ball!)  This helps maintain some muscle tone and strength without causing contractions or exacerbating my condition.  Talk with your doctor or qualified trainer about some alternatives you might be able to do.
• Start checking things off your "to-do: list.  Having a two year old, a full-time job, a private counseling practice, and baby on the way, I always have a pretty hefty "to-do" list.  After the initial shock of not having much I could be doing, I found that identifying one or two key items to do each day has helped me check quite a few items off my list that weren't getting done.  I obviously can't be doing things like cleaning all of the outside windows, but I can file those insurance claims that have sat in a pile, sew a few things I haven't had time to get to, and read a pile of magazines that has been mounting up.  (Sounds rough, right?)
• Focus on other healthy habits. I am not the best eater in the world- it's always a quest for me to get more veggies in, so I have been trying to make sure I get in a green smoothie everyday, which makes me feel like I am compensating on some level for lack of exercise.  Other habits to focus on may be increasing how often you floss, finally getting time to give yourself a manicure, giving yourself time to start writing in a journal, or start getting enough sleep each night.
• Use this as a chance to work on positive thinking. I read a great book on positive thinking (which I will write about in another post.)   It took me a few days of some pretty big mood swings trying to adjust to this change in pace.  After I started thinking about all of the positive sides of this, my outlook was much different and most days, I am thankful for this rest period before becoming a mom of two.  There are always many blessings to count, it just takes the right mind set.
• Learn new ways of coping with stress. Exercise is my main form of dealing with stress.  It is often about trying to lose weight, but even more, I notice in my mood and stress level when I can't workout.  Having this extended period of inactivity, I had to find a new way to deal with stress.  (Although my stress level has decreased since I am not working, I still have financial worries and the occasional stress of having a two-year-old.)  This one is still a work in progress for me.  Going outside relieves stress, but it is difficult for me to just be outside without being very active.  I have found reading and taking warm baths helps, so those are my go-to methods of taking a mental break when I feel overwhelmed.
  
• Find some new hobbies.  Maybe it's writing a blog, decorating stationary, scrap booking, or even becoming a video gamer- trying new hobbies make you a more well-rounded person, and can help you find new ways to deal with stress.  One of my goals is to do some letter writing for cancer patients.  I may not be able to do a whole lot, but I can make some cards to encourage others who are struggling with things much bigger than I can imagine.
• Utilize help. This is also a work in progress for me.  I do not like asking for help- I have a bit of a control freak side to me, plus I just find it's easier to do things myself.  Well, I don't have that option right now.  I can't walk my dogs and they cannot go 2-3 months without being walked.  I can't vacuum, and my house cannot go 2-3 months without being vacuumed.   I have had to learn to trust that my husband can handle things, and when he is busy at work, there are lots of other family members and friends who have volunteered to help.  Being responsible for keeping this tiny human baking has given me no choice but to rely on others and ask for help in the areas I need it.  Honestly, this is probably the biggest lesson I've learned so far, and something I needed to realize- we all need help.  Sometimes we need it more than others, and sometimes we are the ones needing to help others, but if we don't ask or accept help, it makes life a lot harder. 

There will be a future post about getting back into shape after an injury or illness, but for the time being, take some time to identify the areas you might need to balance your life.  If you are a person who struggles with over-activity, take a few minutes each day to sit quietly and pray or meditate to gain some clarity and peace.

10 Secrets of a Therapist

As a therapist, I see a wide variety of clients with an array of concerns.  One thing they all have in common is that is some way, they are all seeking my acceptance as their therapist.  Here's a secret: all of my clients have my acceptance before they walk in the door or make that initial phone call.  I became a therapist because it is a calling that allows me to use the strengths I was given to help others.  We all have weaknesses, and I believe, that at certain points in our lives, we all could benefit from the therapeutic relationship.  Below are 10 secrets from me as a therapist. Hopefully this will put you at ease about seeking support if you need it, because at the end of the day, we are all people with strengths and weaknesses.

1. Trust is everything.
The most important part of therapy being worthwhile is finding a therapist you connect with. I always tell my clients that if they don't feel a connection with me after a session or two, that I will work with them to find someone who is a better fit.  Therapy is not going to be productive if you don't feel like you can be open with your thoughts and feelings and our job is to make you feel comfortable.

2. I don’t think you’re crazy.
I have a lot of clients ask me outright if I think they are crazy.  I do chuckle a bit inside, because on a certain level, aren't we all crazy in our own way?  In all seriousness, I am a therapist to help people reach their goals and get to a better place in their lives, and if I thought my clients were crazy, it wouldn't do much for the therapeutic relationship.  I think we all have struggles in our lives, and the symptoms of those struggles make us feel unstable, but I have never thought to myself "This client is off their rocker!"  I am much more likely to think something along the lines of "This client is so strong to have dealt with this on their own for so long." 


3. My job is not to psychoanalyze you. 
I do assessments with clients as part of establishing a baseline of behavior and thought patterns.  Unfortunately, I have to assign a diagnosis for almost all clients in order to be covered/ reimbursed by health insurance.  The diagnosis is simply a way for a therapist to give a description of overall symptoms, and the diagnosis is really not the most important to me.  What I want to help with is all of the underlying symptoms that are wreaking havoc in your life such as nightmares, intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms, and  issues that may be decreasing the quality of relationships in your life.  I am less concerned with a label and more concerned with helping you get rid of the "yuck".

4. I’m not here to tell you how to live or what to do.
My job is to be curious and to help you gain more understanding about your thoughts and behaviors. A good therapist doesn’t claim to have all the answers for why you are the way you are although we may have some ideas that we will willingly share with you. I will help you become more objective in looking at your actions and working with you on ways to address the problem areas of your lives.

5. The worst part of my job is seeing clients quit before they are better.
Therapy is the perfect place to learn how to express your feelings. That’s what I’m here for, to give you a space to try out new ways of being, thinking, and feeling. Take advantage of this. When we learn how to work through our negative emotions with others, it increases our relationship skills and makes us more comfortable with voicing our hurts. This is a necessary component to maintaining relationships and managing your emotions in a healthy way.   If you quit because it's difficult or unpleasant, it is really discouraging, as I know you will continue to struggle until you find the strength to push through to a better place in your life.  I'm here to help you, so please don't quit.  Hang in there and talk to me if you are feeling tired or ready to quit so I can help you find a way to take a break without giving up.

6. I expect you to slide backward here and there.
Most people judge themselves enough for at least two people. I try to build a good relationship so that clients can be completely honest with me about their progress or lack thereof. It’s only through acknowledging our steps backward that we can figure out how to fix it so that you can move forward. Relapse is very common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  In fact, when someone is honest with me about a relapse, I see it as a sign of progress that you can take responsibility.

7. You deserve to be happy.
Everyone has a past, and things they regret, but you deserve to be happy.   If you don't feel like you deserve happiness, you and I can work on this together.  It is very common for clients to come in feeling like they don't deserve to be happy, either because of choices they've made, or because of how they have been treated by others.  This is one of the symptoms of past trauma and hurt, and my job is to help you recognize that you deserve positive things.

8. I can’t “fix” your life, your problems, or your children.
I can help you gain more clarity, understanding, and form a plan of action, but therapy is not a magic pill. I have a lot of parents who are struggling with their children or teenagers and think that by bringing them in for a weekly appointment with me will fix all problems.  The real answer is working with a child or teen, and partnering with parents to make changes at home as well.  Most behavior issues don't just pop up- they are a symptom of something deeper.  Many times, I need to work with parents a bit because a lot of what is causing the issues is a miscommunication or lack of communication in family relationships.  However the issues arose, I am here to help you get things back in working order, but you are the key player.

9. This job is difficult for me at times.
As a trauma-focused therapist, I hear about very disturbing experiences that clients have suffered
.  There are days I become really discouraged that we as humans can cause such pain to one another.  However, these days don't happen as often as one would suspect and I have learned ways of protecting myself while still being able to help my clients.  Most of the time, I am amazed at the resilience of my clients in light of everything they have gone through.  Just as I work with clients on being able to find balance in their lives, I have to make sure I find balance in my life and find lots of time to do the things that make me feel restored, including spending time with my family and keeping my faith strong.

10.  I also have weaknesses.
There are things I struggle with, just like everyone else.  I'd like to think I am well balanced, and I follow my own advice all of the time, but I have weak moments too.  In the interest of being fully honest, I was recently put on modified bed rest during my second pregnancy.  Exercise is my biggest way to relieve stress- I work out and walk my dogs everyday.  I can't do those things, or much of anything for awhile until I get closer to my due date.  While I know logically that I need to rest for this baby, I spent about 5 days with major mood swings from being angry to weepy because I didn't know how to handle such a sudden change in my daily habits and being left without my main way of coping.  I have days where I don't communicate well with my husband, or I am short-tempered with my daughter.  When these things happen, my first instinct is to berate myself because as a therapist, I should be able to have self-control and practice what I preach.  Then I remember that I am human, and just because I am a therapist doesn't mean I have it all figured out all the time.  It allows me to be able to continue to work on my own personal growth, which is something we should never stop doing.