Helping Your Child Cope With the Loss of a Pet

Losing a family pet is a very difficult time.  What makes it even more challenging is deciding how to explain it to your children.  Inevitably, they will ask a lot of questions trying to understand the concept of death.  There are age appropriate ways to help your child understand that death is a natural occurrence in life, and to teach them how top cope with grief and loss as an inevitable part of life.   We have a lot of pets in our extended family, and have sadly had several losses in the past year.  Even though I am a professional at helping other children with grief and loss, I wanted to revisit some information on how to help my children deal with this now and in the future.  Here are a few tips to help navigate through such a challenging time.

• One of the most difficult parts about losing a pet may be breaking the bad news to kids. Try to do so one-on-one in a place where they feel safe and comfortable.
• An extremely important factor to remember: As you would with any tough issue, try to gauge how much information kids need to hear based on their age, maturity level, and life experience.
• If your pet is very old or has a lingering illness, consider talking to kids before the death occurs and reassuring them that the veterinarians have done everything that they can.  If you have to make the difficult decision to euthanize your pet, it helps to assure your child/ren that your pet would never get better, this is the kindest way to take the pet's pain away, the pet will die peacefully, without feeling hurt or scared.
• If you do have to euthanize your pet, be careful about saying the animal went "to sleep" or "got put to sleep." Young kids tend to interpret events literally, so this can conjure up scary misconceptions about sleep or surgery and anesthesia.
• Use age appropriate language with your child.
• Be honest- don't tell the child your pet ran away. Use this as a teaching moment to start to prepare your child for death as a part of life. 
• Let your child's questions guide your discussion on how much they are understanding or are able to handle.
• Draw on your faith to answer questions about what happens to a pet after they leave us.  
• Understand that your child may feel a variety of emotions-from emptiness and sadness to guilt and anger at friends whose pets are still alive. Your children may worry that the animal's death is their fault, and may wonder what happens to animals after they die. Some kids may even worry that other children and classmates will ridicule them for loving their pet so much.  Take time to listen and allow your child to verbally express his or her feelings.
• Keep other caregivers in the loop- teachers, grandparents, babysitters, etc. need to understand why your child may be extra sensitive or irritable.  You will also want to let caregivers know how you have shared this with your child so they can use the same language and explanations.
• Encourage your child to draw a picture of their pet, or write a letter to their pet.

• Plan a memorial service for your child and invite friends and family who knew your pet to share their favorite memory of your pet.
• Plan a tree or flowers in your pet's honor.
• Allow your child to keep something that your pet loves- a collar, tag, or favorite toy.
• Encourage your child to engage in normal activities as much as possible- going to the park, bike ride, art, playing with friends.
• Be open about your feelings of loss with your child.  It may help them to know they aren't the only one who is sad.
• Gather photos to make a photo album in memory of your pet.
• Utilize resources, such as the books below.
• You and your child can gather up photographs of your pet to make into a photo album.

Special Considerations by Age:

2-3 Year Olds

• Typically do not understand death and consider it a form of sleep
• They will need to be told their pet will not return
• Reassure them that it is unrelated to anything the child has said or done
• Be careful of using terms such as "put to sleep", as children take this literally and may think their pet will return from sleep, or may even form a negative connection with sleep

4-6 Year Olds

• Children in this age range understand death related to continued existence, such as living underground, or even permanently sleeping
• There may be a belief that any anger or negative treatment of the pet on their part caused the death- refute this and reassure them that dying is something that happens to pets and no one is at fault
• Children may begin to fear death, or see it as contagious
• Grief manifestations often occur in the form of changes in bladder and bowel control, sleeping issues, and changes in appetite

7-9 Year  Olds

• Children this age start to understand the irreversibility of death 
• They may become concerned about the death of parents, siblings
• Curiosity is common and parents should respond honestly
• Behavior issues, school and learning issues, aggression, withdrawal, and antisocial behavior are all grief reactions that may occur weeks or even months later.  If you have ongoing concerns about this, consult a therapist.

10-11 Year Olds

• Children this age usually understand death as natural, inevitable. Their reactions are similar to adults, although depending on past experiences with death, grief and loss symptoms should be monitored.
• Continue to encourage them to express emotions either verbally, or through art and music

Adolescents

• Teens to react similarly to adults.  One thing to note is that denial may come into play and your child will not show a lack of emotional display.  If your child has not appeared affected, continue to monitor and share your feelings, allowing them to do the same when they are ready.

Recommended Resources for Children (https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss/helping-your-child-when-the-family-pet-dies)

Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children, Linda Goldman;
Accelerated Development; Taylor & Francis Group, (800) 821-8312; 1994

Because of Flowers and Dancers, Sandra S. Brackenridge; Veterinary Practice Publishing Co.; 1994.

Dog Heaven, Cat Heaven, Cynthia Rylant; The Blue Press; Scholastic, Inc.,

Desser the Best Ever Cat, Maggie Smith; Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.; 2001

Goodbye Mousie, Robie H. Harris; Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing,

Grunt, Suzanne Schlossberg, Tamberrino, Centering Corporation; 2001

Jasper's Day, Marjorie Blain Parker; Kids Can Press Ltd.; 2002

Saying Goodbye to Lulu, Corinne Demas; Little, Brown and Company; 2004

Websites:

Kids Health

Rainbows Bridge

ASPCA Pet Loss