10 Secrets of a Therapist

As a therapist, I see a wide variety of clients with an array of concerns.  One thing they all have in common is that is some way, they are all seeking my acceptance as their therapist.  Here's a secret: all of my clients have my acceptance before they walk in the door or make that initial phone call.  I became a therapist because it is a calling that allows me to use the strengths I was given to help others.  We all have weaknesses, and I believe, that at certain points in our lives, we all could benefit from the therapeutic relationship.  Below are 10 secrets from me as a therapist. Hopefully this will put you at ease about seeking support if you need it, because at the end of the day, we are all people with strengths and weaknesses.

1. Trust is everything.
The most important part of therapy being worthwhile is finding a therapist you connect with. I always tell my clients that if they don't feel a connection with me after a session or two, that I will work with them to find someone who is a better fit.  Therapy is not going to be productive if you don't feel like you can be open with your thoughts and feelings and our job is to make you feel comfortable.

2. I don’t think you’re crazy.
I have a lot of clients ask me outright if I think they are crazy.  I do chuckle a bit inside, because on a certain level, aren't we all crazy in our own way?  In all seriousness, I am a therapist to help people reach their goals and get to a better place in their lives, and if I thought my clients were crazy, it wouldn't do much for the therapeutic relationship.  I think we all have struggles in our lives, and the symptoms of those struggles make us feel unstable, but I have never thought to myself "This client is off their rocker!"  I am much more likely to think something along the lines of "This client is so strong to have dealt with this on their own for so long." 


3. My job is not to psychoanalyze you. 
I do assessments with clients as part of establishing a baseline of behavior and thought patterns.  Unfortunately, I have to assign a diagnosis for almost all clients in order to be covered/ reimbursed by health insurance.  The diagnosis is simply a way for a therapist to give a description of overall symptoms, and the diagnosis is really not the most important to me.  What I want to help with is all of the underlying symptoms that are wreaking havoc in your life such as nightmares, intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms, and  issues that may be decreasing the quality of relationships in your life.  I am less concerned with a label and more concerned with helping you get rid of the "yuck".

4. I’m not here to tell you how to live or what to do.
My job is to be curious and to help you gain more understanding about your thoughts and behaviors. A good therapist doesn’t claim to have all the answers for why you are the way you are although we may have some ideas that we will willingly share with you. I will help you become more objective in looking at your actions and working with you on ways to address the problem areas of your lives.

5. The worst part of my job is seeing clients quit before they are better.
Therapy is the perfect place to learn how to express your feelings. That’s what I’m here for, to give you a space to try out new ways of being, thinking, and feeling. Take advantage of this. When we learn how to work through our negative emotions with others, it increases our relationship skills and makes us more comfortable with voicing our hurts. This is a necessary component to maintaining relationships and managing your emotions in a healthy way.   If you quit because it's difficult or unpleasant, it is really discouraging, as I know you will continue to struggle until you find the strength to push through to a better place in your life.  I'm here to help you, so please don't quit.  Hang in there and talk to me if you are feeling tired or ready to quit so I can help you find a way to take a break without giving up.

6. I expect you to slide backward here and there.
Most people judge themselves enough for at least two people. I try to build a good relationship so that clients can be completely honest with me about their progress or lack thereof. It’s only through acknowledging our steps backward that we can figure out how to fix it so that you can move forward. Relapse is very common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  In fact, when someone is honest with me about a relapse, I see it as a sign of progress that you can take responsibility.

7. You deserve to be happy.
Everyone has a past, and things they regret, but you deserve to be happy.   If you don't feel like you deserve happiness, you and I can work on this together.  It is very common for clients to come in feeling like they don't deserve to be happy, either because of choices they've made, or because of how they have been treated by others.  This is one of the symptoms of past trauma and hurt, and my job is to help you recognize that you deserve positive things.

8. I can’t “fix” your life, your problems, or your children.
I can help you gain more clarity, understanding, and form a plan of action, but therapy is not a magic pill. I have a lot of parents who are struggling with their children or teenagers and think that by bringing them in for a weekly appointment with me will fix all problems.  The real answer is working with a child or teen, and partnering with parents to make changes at home as well.  Most behavior issues don't just pop up- they are a symptom of something deeper.  Many times, I need to work with parents a bit because a lot of what is causing the issues is a miscommunication or lack of communication in family relationships.  However the issues arose, I am here to help you get things back in working order, but you are the key player.

9. This job is difficult for me at times.
As a trauma-focused therapist, I hear about very disturbing experiences that clients have suffered
.  There are days I become really discouraged that we as humans can cause such pain to one another.  However, these days don't happen as often as one would suspect and I have learned ways of protecting myself while still being able to help my clients.  Most of the time, I am amazed at the resilience of my clients in light of everything they have gone through.  Just as I work with clients on being able to find balance in their lives, I have to make sure I find balance in my life and find lots of time to do the things that make me feel restored, including spending time with my family and keeping my faith strong.

10.  I also have weaknesses.
There are things I struggle with, just like everyone else.  I'd like to think I am well balanced, and I follow my own advice all of the time, but I have weak moments too.  In the interest of being fully honest, I was recently put on modified bed rest during my second pregnancy.  Exercise is my biggest way to relieve stress- I work out and walk my dogs everyday.  I can't do those things, or much of anything for awhile until I get closer to my due date.  While I know logically that I need to rest for this baby, I spent about 5 days with major mood swings from being angry to weepy because I didn't know how to handle such a sudden change in my daily habits and being left without my main way of coping.  I have days where I don't communicate well with my husband, or I am short-tempered with my daughter.  When these things happen, my first instinct is to berate myself because as a therapist, I should be able to have self-control and practice what I preach.  Then I remember that I am human, and just because I am a therapist doesn't mean I have it all figured out all the time.  It allows me to be able to continue to work on my own personal growth, which is something we should never stop doing.

How to Improve Self Worth

On occasion, I am asked to write for various guest columns.  While I specialize in children and teens, I have a lot of adult clients that I see for issues with job satisfaction, parenting, relationships, trauma, and other issues.  One thing we can all benefit from is improved self-worth.  (There are very few people who overestimate their self-worth, and that becomes a whole different topic all together.) Below was my contribution to a guest column on decodinghim.com.  See the entire column here. Here's to starting your week off on the right foot!


Change your perspective, find hobbies you enjoy and balance your life

Look at the glass as half full. People who are able to see the positive side of things are more attractive to others. We all want to spend time with people who are able to turn lemons into lemonade, so when you catch yourself with a negative thought about yourself or a situation, find a way to turn it into a positive. If you really want to put this into practice, try thinking three positive things for every negative. It’s not a long-term suggestion, but something to help get in the habit of finding the positives in life.
Find hobbies you enjoy. Becoming well-rounded allows you to meet a variety of people. Meeting more people means making more friends who share similar interests, and can teach you new things. Sometimes we can’t find time for the hobbies we used to enjoy, so make a point to schedule time in to reconnect with your previous passion. If you haven’t found a hobby you love, look into introductory classes through the local community centers or recreation centers. They often have affordable classes that allow you to try new things without a length time or financial commitment. With so many options, you are bound to find something you like and you may discover strengths you never knew you had.
Balance your life. Life is busy. According to the American Psychological Association, only 37 percent of Americans feel they are actually doing an excellent or very good job of managing their stress. Stress takes a toll on your self worth because it will always seem like you aren’t doing enough. Take inventory and figure out where you need to adjust. If you are working too much, take some of your vacation days and go on vacation- what a concept! If you are slacking off in your health, plan some prep time to make healthy meals for the week and set the alarm on your phone to remind you to take a break and walk around the office building each day. Balance relieves stress and allows you to take care of yourself, which is the most important part of building self worth.

Helping Kids Express Emotion

I have a lot of families who come to see me for counseling to help younger children (ages 8 and under.)  Most of the concerns stem from a child who is struggling to identify or express how they are feeling.   Below are the 6 tops things I recommend to the families of younger children that I see.  No appointment needed for these tips!

1. Create an "art space" for your child.  I encourage parents to have a special space where the child can access play doh, crayons/ markers, papers, and stickers easily for times when they need to express emotion.  It could be a desk in their room, or even a lower drawer in the kitchen that they can access when needed.  When children are upset, it helps for parents to say something such as "I see that you are frustrated/ angry/ sad."  How about taking a few minutes in your art space and then we can talk about it?"  This starts to create awareness in the child about their feelings and appropriate ways to deal with them.  Having a period of allowing them to express what they are feeling through art is also helpful at teaching self-regulation.  (Trying to discuss with a child in the heat of the moment will often escalate things to the point that you are both more emotional.)  You can even set a timer for 5-15 minutes to help you both keep track of time.
2. Use a container.  I'm sure you are wondering what this means! One of the top skills I work with my clients (of all ages) on is being able to contain unpleasant emotions or thoughts until they can be dealt with an appropriate time.  With kids, I have them choose a physical container to write down or draw their thought or emotion and seal it up in the container.  (I vary this technique a bit with teens and adults, but it works great with helping kids be able to set things aside.)  You can use anything from tupperware to a treasure box.  The key is to allow your child to choose the container that works for them.  They should be able to access it as needed, so you could even keep this in the art space along with paper and drawing tools. 
3. Use a reward chart.  I shared an example of the Broncos reward chart, but you can use any type of chart you want.  There are lots of free charts with popular characters.  Reward charts are terrific because they can be individualized for each child and the behaviors you want to target.  The key is to identify the goal they need to meet and to have them choose rewards that are meaningful to them (1:1 time with a parent, extra video game time, free chore pass, piece of candy, etc.)
4. Never underestimate the power of exercise and activity.  Kids spend a lot of time sitting in school, and then sitting with technology outside of school.  Without enough exercise and physical stimulation, kids will use that pent up exercise in negative ways.  Make sure your child spends plenty of time outside doing anything from playing at the park to blowing bubbles.  Not only does the exercise help, but they will also get a good dose of Vitamin D, and exercise their creativity.  
5. In looking at the whole picture, exercise is very important in a well rounded child, and so is diet.  Our American diets are terrible, in that most foods for kids contain only processed ingredients, high in sugar, additives and preservatives.   All of these things exacerbate attention issues, mood issues, and overall physical functioning.  Get back to the basics and give your
   
   kids whole foods.  There are some terrific books on how to use whole foods in an appealing way to kids.  Check out "Weelicious" for some great ideas.  This is a great website, and the book is one I highly recommend.
6. Let your kids sleep!  Institute a consistent sleep schedule.  Get your children on a regular bed time routine, starting to wind down an hour before bed.  A shower or bath, brushing teeth, and reading time are all great to help your child wind down and be ready for sleep.  Kids who are sleep deprived struggle with attention issues, are more emotional, and struggle with behavior.  If you are struggling with your child, one of the first things I recommend looking at is their sleep schedule and making sure they are getting the recommend number of hours of sleep each night.